- How's it going in there?
- Give me some privacy.
- Left a wide variety of menstrual options for you.
Pads are easiest, panty liners if it's a light flow.
And I've been hearing a lot of good chatter lately
in my moms' group about the Diva cub.
- I don't wanna bleed into a tiny bucket, Dad.
Just let me use a tampon in peace.
- You know, the ancient Egyptians used a tampon.
It was reed wrapped in soft papyrus.
These "pessarions" as they were called
were a luxury of the upper class.
[toilet flushes]
The unrelenting Egyptian sun combined with the--
well, the less-than-absorbent papyrus
meant that you had to change the thing once every hour.
Well, if you could afford to do that, let's just say
you probably owned yourself a boatload of Jews.
- Stop, please. It's done, okay?
Let's never talk about this again.
- Hey.
Oh, sweetie, did you leave the applicator in?
You did, didn't ya?
Gonna have to work out a better system than this, darling,
'cause it's only the beginning.
I mean, what's gonna happen when we need to discuss
your upcoming sexual awakening?
I mean, your fertile years, they are upon us.
- Dad. - What?
Very treacherous road and, boy,
I'm not wearing the proper shoes for it.
- Is there a woman I can talk to?
- Oh, I wish.
I wish I knew some sex-positive woman with enough knowledge--
Oh, shit, I do.
- So if you have any questions about anal sex
or oral sex or any sex, you just ask.
- So, you've had all the sex?
- All that can be had.
But that's who I am.
There are asexual people out there who are just as satisfied
with their lives as I am with mine.
You know what, I just want you to know the important thing is
sex doesn't have to be bad or scary,
and it should...
always feel good.
Oh, I can see that you're getting overwhelmed.
We are getting ahead of ourselves.
Look, I brought you something.
This is very basic.
It just has three settings, but for my money,
number two hits the sweet spot.
So we're just gonna put this right over on the shelf,
and one day, when you are ready,
it will be waiting for you to begin your own exploration.
[laughs] Okay?
- What happened to "I haven't dated
since I became a single father"?
- Who's dating?
After Lucy's first little visit there,
she would stop by every time she was in town, and you know--
- We formed an ecosystem. - Yeah.
- Beth needed a maternal figure,
I longed for a sense of family that didn't feel like a trap,
and Jim was pent up with years
of incredible untapped sexual energy.
- Oh, well, hey now, please don't sell yourself short,
because it was your prowess that ignited that cannon.
- [laughs] - It was.
- It's not flattery, Jim, ask around the sex club.
Your powerful orgasms have quite the reputation.
- Sex club? - It's nothing weird.
Look, Lucy and I, we're platonic exes
who occasionally have sex in public,
and sometimes we raise a daughter together.
- It really is that simple. - Is it, Lucy?
- Can I remind you please, that, earlier today,
you yelled "boo" right into my face when I suggested
the possibility of a future together?
I mean, something changed?
- Look how sweaty and frazzled she is.
She clearly ran here to confess her love for you.
- Holy shit.
That's not true, is it?
- [laughs quietly]
I just listened to you two go on
about your hole filling sessions
like a couple of goddamn weekly pickup basketball games.
I'm not exactly in the mood to profess my love.
- You love me?
- Speech, speech, speech.
- I know you mean well, but that is not gonna help
untangle this clusterfuck.
- You're right, I am so sorry.
This is so great. I'm gonna leave you two
to enjoy this beautiful moment in private.
Oh, oh, oh, you know, I thought I had all the Jim out of me,
but it's like a lava lamp just broke in there.
Excuse me.
I just need to use the restroom.
- I'm gonna go now.
- Whoa, whoa!
Jules, wait, Jules, hey, come on.
- Why can't we just have one normal chapter
in our love story?
- 'Cause I'm not a normal man, Jules,
and you are not a normal woman.
You are exceptional.
Now I want you to trust me, please.
There is nothing going on between Lucy and I.
Watch this.
Lucy, we can never, ever have sex again!
- Totally fine!
And I like the way things are trending out there.
- Now, please, please,
I'll make whatever commitment you want me to make.
Gimme that speech
you were itching to deliver on my doorstep.
I have never been on the receiving end
of a declaration of love before.
- [sighs]
Wanna do this thing or not?
- I feel like there had to be more to it than that
because we are the Sid and Nancy of baseball,
we are reuniting, I mean, there's a story there--
- I am being so cool right now, all things considered!
- You really are. You really are.
And of course I would love to give things another shot.
You know, in the past, we never worked out
because I always made you take care of me, ugh.
I just really wanna take care of you now.
- Well, that's a little better.
Little more of that, little more of this,
and the three of us might make it out of this thing alive.
- Well, four of us, 'cause my daughter, Beth,
is due here any minute for the weekend.
Boy, I cannot wait for my two favorite people
to finally meet each other.
- Yeah, we don't have to rush right into that.
- Kinda do, because we're coming out
of a little bit of a rough patch.
I need to prove to her that I have a life
independent of just being her father,
so, well, I need her to sign off on the relationship.
- What now? - Hey, Dad.
- Beth, hey. Hey, darling.
I'd like for you to meet Julia--
- Oh, Beth! - Lucy!
- [laughing] - Hi, oh, my God!
- You're so beautiful. - Hi.
- Oh, I'm so proud of you. - Oh, I missed you so much.
When did you get in? - Oh, just a few hours ago.
Look at you, you're so radiant. I'm so proud of you.
- Oh, my God, I have so much to catch you up on.
So much I have to tell you.
Can you, like, do brunch tomorrow?
Can you do brunch? - I wish.
I'm just in and out. - No!
No, can you stay a little bit longer?
You can't talk?
- I can...
Have brunch tomorrow.
- Who are you?
- This is Julia James, who I told you about so often.
- O-okay.
- And Beth Brockmire's lukewarm "okay"
puts brunch on the table!
Yeah!
- Give it up for Envy!
[cheers and applause]
All right, everyone, enjoy your brunch,
and don't forget-- it's bottomless mimosas.
- You use cash?
You know you can pay for everything
with your phone now, right?
- I know, I just think there's something
more honest about a fistful of singles.
- You know, we could have just gone to
a normal brunch place.
This place is a little, uh, 2010s.
- Yeah, I asked Limon what a good place would be
that would be memorable, and, uh--
[exhales]
- Oh.
- So tell me about, uh, school. What grade are you in?
- Uh, 15th, I guess.
If you wanna call it that.
Yeah.
- And what are your favorite subjects.
Do you like-- - Why are we doing this?
- I just--we're just--two girls
having a super fun girls' bonding brunch.
Excuse me, I'm a little dry here!
- Why do I need to bond with you?
- I don't know, why do you need to bond with Lucy?
- Well, I mean, Lucy, she's a feminist pioneer,
she's a sex educator, she's an entrepreneur.
- I actually tried that mojito flavored lube she invented
and...couldn't get a buzz.
- Are you and my dad getting back together?
- Is that something you'd be okay with?
- That's what this is?
You need my stamp of approval?
God, we're two different people,
with two completely different lives.
When is he gonna start seeing that?
- Aren't you being a little dramatic?
I mean, there are worse things.
I'm sure the people of The Disputed Lands would kill
for their biggest problem to be
that their daddies love them too much.
- You know, my dad always talked about
how great you were, but I don't know.
From where I'm sitting,
you're just a washed up alcoholic
who blew up a magician. - He blew himself up.
- So because you dated my dad for a couple months,
like, 15 years ago, you think you have all of the answers?
- I don't know if I have all the answers,
but I'm pretty sure I can solve your most pressing problem.
- Yeah? - How 'bout trying to not be
such a bitch all the time?
Help me?
- Limon, I really want this place to feel
like a home for all three of us.
- That's very thoughtful, Jim.
- Probably need to make it more female-friendly in here.
Tell you what, why don't you get me a case of Chardonnay,
some magazines about awful, terrible,
horrible, stupid people, and two more throw pillows
than the common sense amount for each room.
- That's very sexist, Jim.
- Yeah, well, so is your mother, Limon.
[knocking]
[muffled dance music]
- Occupied.
- It's Beth.
- Walk away Beth.
You were talking shit back there
like someone who's never been in a fight before,
and unless you wanna rectify that right now,
a face-to-face is unwise.
- I really have to pee, though, please.
Huh, whoa, okay. Thank God.
- [exhales]
- Look, I'm not going anywhere
and your dad's not gonna change,
so how's about we just tell him we fuckin' bonded
and call it a day.
- Yeah, sounds great.
Anything to end this nightmare brunch.
- Great.
- And how do you know if I've never been in a fight before?
- You're a talker, just like he is.
I'm a fighter. Fighters always know.
- Hey, let me hit that.
Please.
- Good call.
I like to drink on the toilet, too.
- Why do you even wanna get back with my dad?
I mean, in all the stories he told, he was awful.
Come on, I actually wanna know.
- He sees me.
My schemes, my stubbornness,
the drinking, the rage,
and he doesn't just see these as flaws.
He actually finds them delightful.
He's the only one who's ever loved all of me.
[thumping dance music continues, muffled]
- That's kinda sweet.
[toilet flushes]
- We never even got a food order in.
- By food do you mean booze?
- It's how I eat three meals a day.
- All right. - Okay, okay.
[laughs] Mmm.
Okay, Dolly!
Can I have another mimosa please?
- You got it, sugar.
- Hey, what do you say we get some real drinks,
and turn this brunch into a "drunch."
- A Long Island ice tea, please.
- Nope, she won't-- she won't have that.
Hold on.
- Okay, uh, do you guys do Jagerbombs?
- Okay, you just give me five minutes,
and bring me a scotch while I deal with this.
- Okay. - Yeah?
- Are you cutting me off?
- What is going on?
You walk into a bar with the name Brockmire,
people expect a certain level of professionalism.
Instead it's amateur hour.
- Well, I don't know, I never got to meet
Jim Brockmire, legendary drunk.
All I had was my dad, who's a teetotaling hawk
who would sniff my breath anytime I came home after dark.
- Did nobody ever teach you how to drink?
- Especially not someone who could pick it all up
on their corporate credit card.
- Credit card? Don't you know
you can pay for everything on your phone now?
- [chuckles] - Okay, baseball, baseball,
baseball, baseball--this is now officially a business meeting.
so let's reach for that top shelf.
- Yeah? - Yes, okay.
- Here's the thing. - Mm-hmm.
- The alcohol you drink is who you wanna be.
When you order a Long Island ice tea,
you're telling the world, "I'm gonna suck your dick,
but then I'm gonna puke all over it afterwards," all right?
Now, I used to drink white wine
'cause I wanted to be day drunk all night long.
Now I drink whiskey
'cause I just prefer to be mean and numb.
- That sounds sad.
I want something fun, like, vodka?
- Vodka's too clean. It's like for girls on diets
and doctors getting drunk in hospital parking lots.
You seem like a gin girl.
Yeah, comes on strong, great finish, distinct,
not for everybody.
- Gin it is.
- Two Pimm's cups!
Oh, wait, can I just get the scotch?
- ♪ I'm gonna show you
♪ What a woman can do
♪ Ooh
♪ 'Cause I've got a fashion, let me shine it on you ♪
- Congrats on shutting this place down,
but can y'all please settle up when you get a chance?
- Mm, we just started bonding.
I just need a little bit more time.
- Girl, I got places to be,
and these shoes are giving me corns.
- Understood, we do not want those corns to pop.
Hey, Beth! - Huh?
- What's the magic words?
- Baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baby!
- We just would like this business meeting to continue
for another hour
by renting this room for 5K.
[whispers] One hour.
- ♪ I'm gonna give you something ♪
- Hm. - ♪ That you never forget
♪ You better take cover 'cause I'm coming for you ♪
♪ On a high wire, I'm a live wire ♪
[tense music]
- The hell are they, Limon? They've been gone for hours.
- They have their privacy settings on.
I can tell you they're safe.
- Nobody's safe in this world. Are you stupid?
Are you a stupid, stupid robot?
- Keep yelling at me, Jim. It'll make you feel better.
- I'm not yelling, Limon,
and please don't tell me what to do,
you stupid little piss-colored
know-it-all piece of shit!
- I'm sorry you feel that way.
- You're a smug little smiling bastard, you know that?
I'm sorry, Limon, I'm a little on edge.
I'm just kinda freaking out.
Where are they?
- You know what, Jules?
I think you're pretty cool.
I give you permission to date my dad, yes.
Oh, but never tell me what to do,
because I do not need a mom, and I am a grown woman.
I can make my own terrible decisions.
- Speaking of, how's film school?
- Oh, so I'm working on my first film, right,
and it's this long form found footage essay.
It's kind of like Adam Curtis' "HyperNormalisation"
except I use clips from rom-coms from the early 2000s
to show how love was sold
at the start of late stage capitalism.
- So it's eight hours of, like, socialism and Kate Hudson?
That sounds awful, never show that to me.
- You sound just like my dad.
- Hey, he's honest.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I guess that's something.
I mean, he's smothering and he's codependent,
and he spent way more time doing my hair
than I would ever admit to my therapist,
but he keeps it straight with me,
even when it's hard.
Cheers, Dad.
Oh, and just for the record it's nine hours,
and just for that I'm gonna play it
at your goddamn rehearsal dinner.
- You need to understand.
- Hey, I know them.
- What's happening in The Disputed Lands
is only natural.
The desert takes what it is owed.
- So you know a death cult? - Uh-huh.
- Every loss of life to natural disaster...
is another offer
of repentance.
- Hey!
My mom died in a super typhoon,
and you're saying she's some kind of sacrifice?
- I'm saying your mother had it coming.
We all have it coming.
- [screams]
[all gasp]
[inarticulate screaming]
[gunshot]
[panicked chatter]
- Oh, shit.
- Gotta work on your exit strategy.
- Okay.
[police sirens]
God, Jules, you know, you're right.
That felt so much better than just talking.
- Right?
[upbeat guitar music]
[giggling] - Jules, we should really
do this again, right?
Oh.
- You know, my mom died, too, when I was young.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I don't know if I have any memories of her, though.
And the ones that I have are so faded,
I don't even know if they really happened.
- Oh, no, that's so sad for you.
I'm so sorry 'cause, see,
I feel like I remember my mom,
like, really well, 'cause my dad told me
all these stories of them, in their time together.
He says I remind him of her every day.
I know her. I'm so sorry.
Whoa.
Ha ha ha.
- Mama needs to nap.
[hinges squeak]
[both giggling, muttering]
- Hi!
- Um, where the hell have you been?
- Bonding.
- Why are you wearing fake tits?
- Oh, right, this are, it's a business expense.
Very baseball, baseball. - Baseball, baseball,
baseball, baseball. - Baseball, baseball.
It's just--you heard us say baseball, so that's--
It's--
Oh, wow.
Oh, that's--
[rock and roll music]
- Mission accomplished.
- Did you get a chance to... clean the Lucy juice
off the sheets?
- The hell is the matter with you?
- Can somebody close the sun?
[fades off, mumbling]
- Beth, you okay? Honey?
[claps]
Honey!
[clears throat]
The hell did ya do to her?
- Going drink for drink with me is always a bad idea.
You know that. - [scoffs]
- Honey, what's the big deal?
- Uh, the big deal is I'm an alcoholic, okay?
My greatest fear in life is that,
the awful gift that my father gave me,
I'm gonna pass it along to her.
I mean, I've never seen her like that before.
It's frickin' terrifying. - Okay.
You asked me to take her to brunch.
And, to me, brunch is just an excuse
to publicly drink in the mornings.
But I will be very careful with her and alcohol
in the future.
- All right, okay, look, the important thing is
you're both safe and everybody's okay, I guess.
- For the record, I think the fight thing's
gonna be really good for her.
- I'm sorr--the fight thing? What fight thing?
- She punched a cult leader in the balls.
I was so proud of her. I get parenting now.
- Beth punched a cult leader in the balls?
- Relax, nobody got hurt.
I had my sweet baby on me.
- You flashed a gun on a New York City street?
- Prospect Park, and I just shot one off
in the air to escape among the scatter.
- Okay. - You can take the girl
out of Morristown-- - Get out, get out.
- What? - You know my daughter
less than 24 hours, you already got her
into a drunken brawl that ended in gunplay.
Can't have anybody around my family
with this poor impulse control.
Get outta here.
- Uh, I've got 500 boxes of tampons for Jim Brockmire.
- Ah, Jesus Christ.
- Why'd you order 500 boxes of tampons?
- [muffled] And a case of Pamprins.
- In a moment of weakness, I thought
we all might actually have a life here together,
but I was insane.
- 500 boxes?
I'm beating down menopause's door.
- Well, you know what, you can take 'em with ya
as a lovely parting gift. Just get outta here, please.
- You wanna be the hero of this story?
Well, while you're on your high horse,
answer me this.
How'd all your memories of Manila
suddenly come flooding back to you?
You told me you couldn't remember anything.
Your goal, in those days, was to drink to forget
as soon as you could remember to try.
- What was I supposed to say? "Sorry, Beth,
"I don't remember your mother.
I was black out drunk the night you were conceived."
'Cause I know, that's great parenting advice.
- Great parenting is not lying to your daughter every day.
You don't know shit about that woman.
So stop making up stories
just so you can feel like you're a good dad.
- You know what, this was a really big mistake.
- Yeah, huge.
[door slams]